thekylekurtz

hahaha!

I'm a retard.

Things have been getting better, even before the EXTREME chance meeting that now has become a relationship that I have no idea what Im doing in but she adores me so maybe itll be okay cause in the end I like her a lot too.

The funny thing is, she isnt the type of girl I thought Id go for, or would go for me, but we actually have a lot in common. Not the little things like we like the same music or play video games(she cant even play guitar hero over medium, for shame Ill change this) but as people, we see eye to eye. We've both been hurt by people, in some ways her more than me, in some ways me more than her.

But we're good for each other it seems.

I don't know. Ive been so resigned to the idea of being alone Im at a loss now what to do with happiness if thats what this is. Its not simple YAY WE'RE TOGETHER THE WORLDS A PERFECT PLACE. Now I worry about her and miss her even when we havent talked for just a day. We have a lot of hurdles in the future too but,

whats the point of not taking a chance.

Im scared to commit to her.

I know right now I've never loved anyone. They have all let me down and I know why I left now. To wallow in that loneliness safe and hope to find a way out. 


And now...

I don't feel so alone. Stupid. I never loved my friends, but in their way I think they love me. My brother at least loves me. Lauren and me have some kind of twisted friend love. So retarded.

I dont know how she feels, but she likes me a lot more than I do her. And I really like her.

I'm scared to love anything. Scared to lose anything. But it all started with me saying to hell with it and talking to her.

And Ive been much happier lately. Even when I look at the world and see a sickening picture full of even sicker people, I don't mind standing in it anymore, if I'm not alone.

Voices

 

All my life I’ve questioned fate

Only to realize it wouldn’t change a thing

I can’t be who I want

I can’t be me

 

I hear the voices whisper

They tell me that its time

Disaster chases me

It takes everything

 

Ooh

 

What do you do

When even you

Think

You’ve lost your mind

 

Who do

You turn to

When everyone

Leaves you

 

I’m alone now

I’ve only got myself

 

I hear the voices screaming

Now it’s time to die

The disaster is that I’m

Still alive

 

Alive

 

I hear the voices

 

I hear the voices

 

I hear the voices

 

It’s time

 

 

 

I think it's safe to say it's been a rough year. In a lot of ways by far the hardest year of my life.

In the end, it brings out the worst part of me. It doesnt make me do bad things to anyone. But it just makes me hate myself so much more, and I can't even find good reasons sometimes.

it hasnt been the trauma laiden deployment some may have. I have nightmares once in a while from the time I woke up getting mortared, realize nothing is happening. Found some people buried in the desert, their hands zip tied behind them and thier skulls all throughout the sand. Had to work on a couple of my friends when an accident happened. A fucking accident.

I hate that these things bring me down. But I've always hated myself.

The two people who fucked up and made me always made it so damn clear what a burden I was. The feeling never fades. Nothing I do will ever satisfy, myself. I could save my best friends life and the next day wonder if he'd be better off without me. I occassionally go out of my way to make people happy, even to great lengths.

Just to feel like I'm worth being around.

Out here it's worse. You lose your TV and your cars and your everything and everyone and... you feel so much more worthless. Everyone goes on with their lives. Its not like I dont want them to. The defeatest in me wants to see them forget me. So when I am gone it wont hurt them.

I never planned past iraq. As terrifying a statement that is. And coming out here, at times, I really didn't want to ever make it home.

I'm such an idiot though, because time and again people back home find ways to remind me they havent forgotten me. That they actually miss me. They care and they don't have to. In some ways I'm selfish for the way I love everyone, but not myself. That I honestly wanted a way out of a life so good. I feel happy to realize I'm stupid.

But it's still hard to feel worthwhile.

Heh. I managed to cry the other day.

Well, like a week and a half ago.

It's funny, it wasnt even for me. Just a friend who lives with a lot of pain, some I know and a lot I dont. I felt so bad I cried for the first time I can remember.

Kind of proud in a way. Ive never been able to express any feeling physically.

I figured out today I can crush a cigarette in my hand. No burns left behind when I do this. Evidence I'm 'crazy'

This solves that rising problem.

It never really gets easier. Life.

But eh, I can take it I guess. May not live by anyone's prescribed method. Don't know.

But it's not so bad, either.

Wait until you feel alone.

It's the most bitter, angry, selfish and sad thought I've ever had. Someone asked me to tell them what's really wrong and I thought it.

I've never regretting thinking anything, but it was so powerful in my mind. I dont know weather I should keep it as a reminder of how bad things were for me at one point or forever try to forget it.

What is love.

How can I see it transcend race age and gender to bind people together for better or worse and still not understand it at all?

I've never loved anyone. And I can say with certainty I've never felt loved. The closest I come to it is my brother, little bastard. But that's the only family tie I've ever felt.

I've never loved anyone I didn't have to, or been loved. I wonder if I'm broken somehow.

It hurts to see other people happy with each other. It hurts to see people who love each other unhappy with each other. it just hurts.

I don't know if I should feel hopeful or find some way to survive on my lonesome.

Heh. When a situation is so fucked you can only explain a third of it and people feel for you,

It's pretty funny. To me at least.

No big deal though, not a sob post just... a bit of a vent.

Well the meds are helping.

It also helps to admit to myself yeah, maybe I have a problem. And pulling away from everyone isn't helping it any. Lately Ive been trying to be more active. Went to counseling, Didn't actually entail much.

Right now I'm not suffering major depression. That's a plus. That horrible feeling that I'll get home and everything will be different, and I'll have been forgotten still lingers though. That one more than anything hurts me. That I'll never find anyone does too.

But where I am these shouldnt be on my mind. I cant change things from where I am.

And I cant just ignore my bad feelings either, think that I can just will them away.

I'm not too sure where I'm going with this. I'm not excited at all about my 4 odd months left out here but, I'll make it.

I may always feel this way, but I'm a good enough person, I'm sure of that. So I shouldnt hate myself, or feel worthless, or blame myself just for being. I could do a lot of good in my life. I may as well. This was a period of intense weakness but I know now.

If I ever see someone suffering like this I'll have an idea of how to help. That no matter how stupid their problems feel or seem they're okay to talk about. That they're not alone. No one ever really is.

I wonder if I always knew all this, or learned it in a week.

Once you start on the medication they tell you it wont work right away. But I felt it almost instantly.

I sat around and didn't feel anything. I talked to people and laughed, joked, meant it for a change. Its like there was always negative static in my mind, everything was bad for no reason, only the best things could get through it. And now it's silent. I think things and feel things the way I guess people are supposed to.

I don't feel guilty right now. Not for the failures of the people who bred me, or the fact that I'm not perfect. That I've fucked up in life. Everyone does.

I think this place took a problem I've gotten so used to and made it worse. But I plan to stay in the army, so I have to learn to deal with it on my own, can't rely on anything. But I can rely on people. And I now am aware of the fact that those feelings I had werent right, or justified. I'm not worthless. Crazy.

Here's looking forward to the counseling

It's hard to explain. It comes from nowhere, triggered by any bad feelings whatsoever. Suddenly the whole world is black. Every thought hurts, especially the good ones you try to find. I wonder why I wasn't aborted, think of all the times it was made obvious that my existence was a burden on someone else's hopes and dreams. I convince myself it's the same with everyone.

That they shouldnt have to worry about me. It's my fault.

I don't tell anyone. No one needs to hear this. I spiral down for a while. I push people away.

I wonder why no one understands. I blame myself.

Can't feel sorry forever. Start to hate. Myself. My parents. The world. Life. Have to find an outlet. Can't hurt anyone

Punch walls until I start to bleed. I hate bleeding, so this doesnt last. Thats why I don't ever cut myself, I hate bleeding. I used to work at KFC, get burned every day, I'm used to it. One time me and some friends saw who could put a cigarette out on ourselves. Only me. I was for that moment impervious. I do it again and again when I hate, to make everything go away.

Nothing can hurt worse, so everything turns numb, black to gray.

Eventually people notice, tell me that's not normal, it's not right. I think they're just out to get me.

But it's okay because everything is gray again for now. And then a few days later something happens, and the world is black.

This is depression.

Got help today.

Really needed it.

I've lied to everyone and said I was okay when I wasn't. Thats all I have to be ashamed of. Going to get help was hard.

Felt like any other person crying for attention. But this isn't normal, what I've done isn't normal.

So I'm glad. Maybe things will get better.

gwar.

Fuck it.

I'll make myself not care anymore.

Sometimes I almost dread going home. If I'll really be happy, or this fake happy I've gotten so used to and tied of.

But who needs to hear that.

I'm honestly happy that these last near 2 years havent changed me much as a person.

Ive gotten a lot more confident though, and more able to defend myself against people just trying to bring me down. Maybe badass is the term.

But In the end I am nearly positive I am a nice guy, maybe a little too sweet or whatever. But there's a lot of other good people out there too, and I hope they can stay as good as they are despite the world.

Ive made a lot of good friends, in real life and even over the net. I hope to never disappoint them, I'm not in any way perfect.

But I'm really thankful I am who I am, and know who I know.

I wrote this. I dunno how I feel about it but I wrote it.

[melodic singer]

[screamer]

Your savior

 

[I can only say that I don’t care

Hope its only lies you hear

Keep saying that its fine

Lock and lose myself inside]

 

/If I lie

Lie

If I lie

Its all right/

 

 

[Think your savior had it bad

Only had to wait to die

Didn’t have to suffer life

Why so perfect in your /eyes/]

 

/If I lie

Lie

If I lie

It’s all right

 

Its all right/

 

[He didn’t see

All his friends die

I need to ask

/Why sacrifice?!/]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ive come to terms.